A Voice of One's Own

Silly me. I’ve been questioning my “ness” lately. Questioning why my hairs are so short. Questioning why I don’t wear eye make up or any normal outfits. Questioning my sassiness. Questioning my passionate rants. Questioning my questioning (you know, how I question everything so damn much). Okay, point is: I’m questioning myself a lot; I’m questioning a lot of other things, but I am sick of typing the word “questioning” so I am going to stop the list. I feel like the more I come into my own, the stranger I become, but also the more comfortable that I am “flying my freak flag,” as I like to say. Usually I am unapologetic about my freak flag, but every so often (usually when I happen to be slacking on writing and/or my yoga practices… or when I participate in things I don’t believe in or am degraded by another person), I get super insecure about who I am and how I exist in the world. I start caring about what others think of my nest of hair or of my snarky comments.  I’ve been stuck in one of these phases lately, and then someone reminded me: “have we ever been concerned about being ‘too much’?” Ah. You’re right, I thought. I am a lot, but I am fabulous. I almost forgot!

Since my dear friend reminded me of my own confidence, I have been wanting to write about it, but I wasn’t sure how to say “I am fabulous” without sounding conceited. Then this morning I saw this quote: “don’t be like the rest of them, darling,” and I realized that my fabulousness has nothing to do with being better or worse than anyone else, it has nothing to do with who does or doesn’t appreciate me as I am, it has to do with being true to my authentic self instead of blindly following what the world has told me to be. I am not authentically what the world has taught me to be, but, all things considered, I would much prefer to be the woman I am. And in my eyes, the woman I am is fabulous.

—mt