A Voice of One's Own

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we’ll make something
Me, myself, I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
Been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won’t have to drive too far
Just ‘cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man’s got a problem
He live with the bottle that’s the way it is
He says his body’s too old for working
I say his body’s too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody’s got to take care of him
So I quit school, that’s what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ‘round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain’t got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You’ll find work and I’ll get promoted
We’ll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ‘round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I’d always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped ‘round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

—Tracy Chapman

this is for you.

in every heart, there is a room

a sanctuary safe and strong

to heal the wounds from lovers past

until a new one comes along.

i spoke to you in cautious tones

you answered me with no pretense

and still i feel i said too much

my silence is my self defense.

and every time i’ve held a rose

it seems i only felt the thorns

and so it goes, and so it goes

and so will you soon i suppose.

but if my silence made you leave

then that would be my worst mistake

so i will share this room with you

and you can have this heart to break.

and this is why my eyes are closed

it’s just as well for all i’ve seen

and so it goes, and so it goes

and you’re the only one who knows.

so i would choose to be with you

that’s if the choice were mine to make

but you can make decisions too

and you can have this heart to break.

and so it goes, and so it goes

and you’re the only one who knows.

—Billy Joel

j. krishnamurti

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from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

(via rummaging4answers)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about contradiction and about what it means to be human. My older sister is the first person who introduced me to the concept of holding contradiction within oneself. She talked about holding within herself the knowledge that good people can do awful things—that being human means being both good and bad, that we hold within us both light and dark, and that one does not take away from the other, they both just exist right there within each of us. Her explanation was hard to hear, but it allowed me to get angry about people’s bad decisions without hating them, without turning them into monsters, without thinking of anyone as a “bad” person. There weren’t bad people anymore, only bad decisions. She also helped me to look at my own darkness and realize that it does not take away from my light, but exists alongside my light as it does in all of humanity. I grappled with this for a few years and still do to some extent, but I think it has helped make me who I am…

About a year ago, I was having a conversation about my relationships with others who have experienced domestic or sexual violence when one of my most favorite women asked me what it was like to see people who had abused my friends. I knew things were about to get really personal… I told her about the domestic abuse I survived and said: I had to learn at a pretty young age to hold within myself love for a person and hatred for their choices, love for myself and hatred of my own choices at times, too. I don’t see any abuser as a monster because it would mean I had to think of my own flesh and blood as that monster. Monsters don’t exist. Humans who make bad choices exist. I also had to face the realization that just as my abusers have both light and dark within them and have chosen to act on that darkness, I, too, am capable of causing harm, of acting on my own darkness. This realization has motivated me to explore what it means to love myself and others and to act more deliberately than maybe I would have if I wouldn’t have experienced domestic or sexual abuse. This realization, more importantly, motivated forgiveness and love that challenges, aims for growth, and demands acknowledgement and progress, forgiveness and love that honor me and my abusers simultaneously by acknowledging the truth of what happened and learning from it so that it does not continue.

Sadly, I have found that it is not easy to acknowledge one’s own darkness, that it is not easy to make peace with the contradiction of one’s own humanity, of one’s own light and darkness. Sometimes we think if we acknowledge our dark, we will be consumed by it, that it will overcome the light. It will not. I believe strongly that in the hope for growth, future decisions, and progress lies enough light to inspire forgiveness and love. It is difficult sometimes, but I am choosing to have hope in full awareness of the darkness—hope that we can look honestly at the contradictions that exist within us, forgive ourselves, forgive others and walk together in the attempt to live ever-more-lovingly, choosing to express the light, the divine love, within us all.

mt

just listen.

i am trying to learn to let go. 

Inside my skin, there is this space
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
Inside my heart, there’s an empty room
It’s waiting for lightning
It’s waiting for you
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

Muscle and sinew
Velvet and stone
This vessel is haunted
It creaks and moans
My bones call to you
In their separate skin
I make myself translucent
To let you in, for
I am wanting 
And I am needing of you here
Inside the absence of fear

There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you’re no stranger
You’re my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness aim
They will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
For I am wanting you
And I am needing you here
I need you near
Inside the absence of fear

—Jewel

A teacher asked a class I was in how we would know when we were “adults.” The first thing that came to my mind was that adults laugh less than children do. When I expressed this, my teacher was shocked, even horrified, by my response and told me to never stop laughing…

It reminded me of another teacher who told me, when I left school due to a deep depression, to spend my time away being silly. I laughed when she said it and brushed it off, but more than three years later, looking back, silliness and laughter have brought me further than I had expected. What would the world look like if we were all a little bit sillier?

These memories bring me to these questions: What do we value in our society and why? Is humor, is joy, undervalued? Do they have value? What is that value? What have they done for you and how have they done it?

One of my favorite sounds in the world is the laughter of my younger sister. I’m not quite sure why, but when she watches South Park late at night when I am at home, I leave my door open, just a crack, so that I can hear her. Sometimes I watch certain movies with her just because I know how much they make her laugh (i.e. Christmas Vacation).

I suppose if adulthood really is the ceasing of laughter, I say, fuck it; let’s embrace childhood like nobody’s business. To be honest, maybe I will anyway… There is a wisdom in childhood that I’m not sure I’m ready to lose sight of.